The concrete steps of the desolate building were a little slippery. I knew i should have taken the elevator, but then i heard it open so suddenly, i was afraid some old guard would just strangle me and bring me to the Everest Security Team, if ever they had such a thing.
But then i thought, if entering the top floor was illegal, they should have posted a sign board in front of the door, saying, “No Trespassing,” or “Restricted Area,” or “Turn Around and Get Going,” right ? It seemed pretty open to me. It seemed public, you know ? Although by the time i reached it and sniffed the cool air of the night, the floor was empty.
Empty, as if it was just waiting for someone to walk in and … and stay, at least for a while.
It was so inviting that i had the strangest feeling that right there, in that very spot, i belonged. Like it was waiting for me the whole time.
This is what they call Nostalgia, i presume?
Like it was fate that led me here.
Like I’ve been here before … i don’t know …
… in a dream, maybe?
I can’t risk being in trouble again.
I hate the fact that whenever I get involved into something, they always find a way to contact Mom. They don’t know her. They don’t know what she’s capable of. They have no idea what she’s willing to risk just to get me back.
I’ve been back. In fact, I’ve always been there, waiting.
It wasn’t me who walked away. It was HER. It wasn’t me who left us hanging~ me and Dad~ and rendezvoused with that bitch of a man who used to be my Father’s most trusted friend. It wasn’t me who never showed up even by the time Dad got sick and was so weak he lost his ability to speak.
Moreover, it wasn’t me who showed up in his funeral, claiming to be the rightful heir of everything dad had ever worked for~ the money, the company, and all that shit.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I don’t blame her for my … conditions.
The time i spent hating my mother was the worst days I have ever had~ pushing her away, judging her on the spot, and not admitting that deep inside, i did miss her.
I missed her with every bone in my body, i longed for her every waking day of my life, i wished she was at home, cuddling me, telling me stories, lulling me to sleep.
Oh, yeah. Dad was always in charge of the lullabies.
But uhh … I guess, it took time for me to realize that even though she’d done all those horrible things, i never could hate her.
She was my mother.
She still is.
She is only human, and people make mistakes. It is beyond my power to reject someone who is asking for forgiveness. So yeah, i do forgive her. But forgetting about everything that has happened will take quite a while for me to accept. Tons of questions are still waiting to be answered. And since she won’t speak up, my heart continues to ache with seeing her everyday and thinking how unreasonable this woman have been, how she manages to still be able to keep secrets from me, how she can take it all in without her own conscience bothering her.
No, no, i can’t live with that.
I can’t live without an explanation.
I love her. But she’s … she’s not ready yet.
So I’ll give her time. Yeah, I’ll give her some space so she can think.
Hopefully, she’ll tell me everything when i get back.
Unfortunately for her, I don’t think I’m ready, myself, to come back.
All the secrets, all the lies, all the pretenses~ that, i think, might have gotten the best of me. Now, all that’s left is a … a strange, strange girl with a wrecked past, a messed-up present and a twisted future.
The stairway seemed to be infinite. I just kept walking and walking til i felt the sides of each toe of my feet swell just like an irregular insect bite, or something like that. Well, what should I expect ? This is EVEREST, after all, named after the tallest mountain, itself.
So, yeah. I gave up.
I rode the elevator when I finally had the chance, went down to the ground floor and cat-walked to the front door, leaving the building. I entered the busy city streets, crossed roads, ignored the traffic light, bought some cinnamon rolls in the newly opened bakery~ Olivia’s Place, went to the library to return two books i borrowed the other day~ Arie Antiche Volume 3 and A Walk to Remember by Nicholas Sparks which I never get tired of reading over and over again, and then passed by the Cinema to see if there are any new movies to waste my time on. Seeing that there weren’t any, i found myself walking to the narrow street of Route 11, a shortcut to Isla Ferrera, an old, yellow-walled, not-too-shabby condo unit, a few miles from the ocean.
I gazed through the horizon, visualizing light seeping through that horizontal line which separated the sea and the sky. Not a minute or two, that light spread out and colored the air above me, turning indigo into orange, then orange into blue until finally, the clouds show up.
Isla Ferrera isn’t exactly the most luxurious of all condos, but the view, aww man … I’ll never get tired of this.
Glancing at my locket-watch, i saw that it was already 6. Granny Agatha, the old owner of these units usually tends her yard this time in the morning. She’s about 80 years old already, but still insists on staying here for some reason i still haven’t figured out yet. She’s a nice lady and all the tenants like her. Including me, i guess.
I rode the elevator, once again, now here in Ferrera, and got off of it on the 5th floor. Room 38 was my apartment. I fished for my keys inside my white shoulder bag and entered the room, seeing the cream, super boring wallpaper, the polished wooden floor, and my huge, pink suitcase in the blank surface.
I closed the door and sat lazily somewhere there.
I just moved in a week ago.
And classes starts in two days.
Darn it, Angela. You’re alone now, okay? There’s no one to turn to but yourself. You are the master of your own future. You better start working and quit dreaming for a while, think about tomorrow and just … be independent.
You can do this, okay ?
You can do this.
You can do this without them.
You can do this without anyone’s help.